(Not) coming back
by Linneagb
Summary: The first time Carole comes to the stables after her mother died. Oneshot.


**I wanted to write a saddle- club- fanfiction. And I'm watching the series. And I'm currently on the second season (I've seen most of the whole series before) and I've read I think all of the books that has been translated into Swedish but one… It would be fun to read them all. In English and exactly all of them… anyway. I came up with this. It's told from Mrs. Reg's pov. **

**I haven't been able to find the third season on Youtube and therefore haven't watched it. **

**The stables look as in season two where you could see the entrance to the stables through windows in the office. **

"Have you heard anything from the Hanson's the last couple of days?" Max asked me as the evening came, the classes were over for the day and we just had some papers to sort out before crossing the yard and go home. And that was when my son broke the question I had been wanting to ask him all day but hadn't gotten the chance to.

"No… latest I heard was five days ago. Jeanne was feeling better and they had permission to go home. I suppose they're making the best of the time they have finally being away from those white walls…"

"I guess we'll know now…"

"What?"

Max almost jumped up of the desk chair and hurried out of the room and down the stairs, when turning after him I could also see the two African- Americans- but without the third, coming into the stables but looking away from the office in a way that sent shivers down my spine.

Dear God, don't let that look mean they had been through what they had dreaded all along since Carole was little…

They didn't have to say a word. Both I and Max could read what had happened on the way they looked.

Without any words said I wrapped Colonel Hansson in a hug and I saw Max in the corner of my eye Max hugging Carole, then switching places the man stood and shook hands while I hugged Carole- boys!

"What…what happened?" Max was the first one to speak, stuttering as he spoke. "I- I- I mean I, we know wha- what happ-pened bu- but… We thought she went home."

"Yeah…" Colonel Hansson wasn't crying but he just looked broken somehow and so sounded his voice. "She was doing better. And during a day, two days… She seemed fine. The doctor had told us that while she was still very sick, medicines could buy us quite some time. Then she came home and…" He drew a deep, shaky breath. "…in the morning, when I woke up, the second night she spent at home… She wasn't breathing anymore… So she must have passed away some time in between one in the morning when I finally laid down to sleep and about six when I woke up again… And those few, short hours…"

His voice failed him, even though he shut his jaws hard together and swallowed. I took a step towards him but he backed away. And we both looked towards her when Carole moved away from us and into Delilah's stall where she could get more comfort than what we could give her.

"Ehrm…" Colonel Hanson cleared his throat at last. "Can she… Can I… I have some paperwork for the funeral and everything. But I don't want to ask Carole for help I mean- she's eleven and she just lost her mum!" He gave a nervous laugh but tears were rising in his eyes. "But… but… I just wanted to ask…" He sighed at last. "Could she stay here? Just, just for a night or two and I can sort things out without her having to deal with it."

We heard Carole sighing and knew she had heard exactly what her dad had just said. Colonel Hanson sighed himself and turned a bit closer to Max and me so he could really talk without her hearing it this time.

"She hasn't said much since Monday, barely anything at all. She won't eat, or sleep, or talk, or cry… she just stares… and it breaks my heart more than what any words or tears could."

He sighed one more time and I could almost hear the way he was fighting his own tears away. I gave his shoulder a pat and would have liked to tell him it was okay. It was okay to him to break down, even if it was in front of Carole- but I just didn't have the words.

"Carole. Love?" When Carole came out of the stall her dad called out for her. "You'll have to stay here for a couple of days. Okay?"

Carole looked as if it was the worst thing she had heard.

"No! I won't do that."

"Carole…" Colonel Hanson's voice was forced and broken in a way it hadn't been before. "This isn't easy for me neither. And I'm not doing it for myself, I'm doing it for you…"

"But my things."

"You had your bag in the car from going to the hospital and visit your mum… and I packed your favorite shirt and a couple of other things. And Archie too so you have everything for the night."

If Carole hadn't glared on him before it was ten times worse when Colonel Hanson had gone to get her things and came back with her bag in one hand and a big, stuffed, horse in the other.

"I guess this must be Archie."

If glares only could have killed there wouldn't be much left of us three adults right now.

"I want to come home with you."

"You can't right now… I need to do some things. Some adult- things. And I promise you, there is nothing you even want to help me with." Carole gave him a meaning look, her dad tried to hug her but she took a step away. "I know but…" He sighed.

"It's okay dad." Carole said dryly. "I get it."

She still looked as if it broke her heart though…

"I, Carole- I."

Before anything else Carole turned her back against him and hurried away.

"I love you."

Nope! No answer.

"It's okay." I fixed a wrinkle in his shirt and kept a hand on his shoulder. "And as for tonight, we've both got phones and if you want to you can show up here- it doesn't matter when. Even if it's in the middle of the night.." Colonel Hanson nodded, and one could almost see the lump rising in his throat. "But as you know Carole will be fine here with us."

"Yeah…" He was whispering now. "You two are just angels. Just call me if you need anything."

"I'm sure we can manage." He nodded and stroke away a tear that had gone down his cheek. "You call us if you need anything."

"I will… goodbye. BYE CAROLE."

His daughter didn't answer. Even though she heard him very well where she had gone back into the aisle and then into the saddle room.

"You go put her things in the guest room." I demanded my son. "I'll go and talk to her." I went into the saddle room where Carole had taken out her big fleece shirt from her locker with the stable sneakers she wore especially here and tied. "Hello Carole. It's been a while…"

I sat down next to her, put my arm around her shoulders and wished I could have healed her… helped her in any way.

I wasn't any all mighty and most importantly I wasn't her mum. But maybe…

Although I was Mrs. Reg. I knew… Maybe I could too do what I did best.

"Quite a while ago there was a boy here who lost a parent." I started telling almost by reflex. "A parent he had looked up to all of his life and it took him hard. Yet he came here every day, Red wasn't here by then. But the boy- or the man, that he actually was had to sort things out and he had to do them no matter what… But he didn't get onto the horse back- for weeks. That was strange because ever since he was a toddler he had been more or less every day. But then one day, there was one horse of ours that was very strange and wanted to move and he couldn't sit still. And everyone else except for me and him had gone home…."

Carole didn't look so much as if she appreciated the story right now. I wasn't so sure I did neither but had I said A I needed to say B.

"…He asked me, but I was busy. And he said something about that he'd only be outside for five minutes in the paddock and I said I'd stay in the office but then five minutes passed by, and so ten minutes and half an hour… At last I started worrying. But at last I went outside and he was in the paddock. Riding around and around and around. Jumping and galloping and for the first time in many weeks he was smiling…" I looked up and saw Max standing in the doorway. "And he just continued…"

I knew that I would always finish a story in the middle of it all, just like I did with every story. Carole could probably have needed more but things had a way with figuring themselves if I did what I could…

"Does today's story sound familiar to you?" Max asked her with a slight smile when she looked up at him. "It should."

Carole thought for another minute but then shook her head.

"Why should I know it?"

"Because you know that boy." Max interrupted before I could say anything. "It was me."

Carole looked surprised, maybe she could have figured already by the beginning of my story who it was but it was like she couldn't figure that anyone else she knew had ever gone through something like what she was feeling right now…

"It's okay Carole." I stroke her back. "It's okay if you want to stay in here. Or if you want to come out and see the horses or anything. But do you know one thing I know?" Carole shook her head slightly. "Your mummy loved horses. Almost as much as she loved you and your dad. But now, when she's… not here. There is nothing she wants more than for you to be happy. And if that's what it takes. Then I think you should go out there and ride as long and as you fast as you can. Because if there is one thing I know it's that you love riding and horses almost as much as you love your mum and your dad…"

What I had said just sounded so incredibly stupid…

"But if I go then it won't make mum come back."

It was only mumbling and it was the only thing Carole said before she stood up and went into the stable aisle again. She did like she had done so many times before with holding a hand out and give each horse a pat as she went by.

Something told me she was going to go to Cobalt, he was- if any, her favorite in the stables. So were many of the horses in this place but Carole and her mum and Cobalt and Veronica…

Instead Carole went to Pepper- our oldest horse that you could easily put a toddler on without worrying for its safety.

"Hey Pepper."

The old boy nodded his head and laid it on Carole's shoulder when she wrapped her arm around his neck. Except for horses chewing and blowing and some neighing there weren't sounds when I heard Carole started sobbing towards Pepper's neck.

"Oh Pepper…"

"Should we…?" Max whispered to me, but I shook my head and held him back. Then showed him to tip- toe out of the hallway and out of the stables.

"I think we better leave her alone with the horses right now."

Max nodded but I wasn't so sure he understood. Maybe I couldn't really understand but I knew very well that Carole would do best now if we weren't there to interrupt…

…_well. The best for her would have been if her mum was here, alive and healthy but heartbreakingly enough none of us could give her that. _

I and Max sorted all the feeding and grooming that needed to be done for the night with barely a word spoken to each other. Even when we went into our kitchen and got our supper, we barely said a word to each other.

"I suppose I better go get her." I said when the time started getting late. "But of course… wearing a pyjamas and with teeth brushed and everything she might as well go sleep in the stables. Maybe if she does you or I should come and… oh who am I kidding? The horses can take just as good care of her as we. If we let them of course…" When I kept talking Max followed me out of the house and into the stables. I remembered I had seen her in Pepper's stall latest. But I couldn't see her…

"Have you hidden her Pepper?" I asked softly. "Where is sh…"

As I patted his neck I saw something purple in the corner of my eye, purple as in Carole's fleece shirt. I was about to start talking to her but when I turned I saw her lying on the hay in the corner…

…_.She won't eat, or sleep… _

"She must be exhausted…" I stated the obvious. "Have you been taking care of her while we were gone?" I patted Pepper's neck and as if he knew what I was saying he moved his head up and down. "Good boy."

Max lifted Carole up as easily as if she had been light as a feather and she didn't stir in the slightest when we made our way towards our guest room where Max looked questioning to me.

"Just lay her right here on the covers." I whispered to him. "Yes, shoes and everything- I'll wash it all in the morning." I showed him to come out and back into the hallway. "Sleep for Carole is more important than clean sheets right now."

Carefully Max placed the young girl on the pink and white covers and then we tip-toed out of the room, turning the lamp off as we went and carefully closed the door. It wasn't until we were back in the kitchen we talked again, but still only more than whispering not to wake Carole up by the noises we made.

"Oh man." Max gave a deep sigh. "I know you told her that story and dad died and everything but… losing a parent at her age… she's so little."

"Yeah…" I just wasn't so sure what to say. "She really is… but Max… Come here." My son barely had the time to turn around before I wrapped my arms tighter around him than I have ever hugged anyone before. "…you better hug me back. If you don't I might never let go."

Max obeyed.

I wasn't so sure I would ever want to let go anyway.

"You know I love you, right?"

"Yeah mum. I love you too."

"I love you…" At last I let go and took a step back. "There's no way I could say that enough of times. No matter how many times it will always be too few."

"Well mum…" At last I had to let go fully when Mike took a step back. "We're both still around so you'll have plenty of time saying it aga…"

Max didn't finish the sentence- and I knew that he thought about the same. That once, and before moving here Carole's mum had thought the same.

And then while she was ill she just had to say it, again and again…

"I love you."

"Yeah mum." Max smiled slightly. "I love you too."

Words could never be made unspoken. But I knew as safe as I was standing here that there were no more important and truthful ones told tonight.

"I love you."

**Random fact**

I didn't really like this. Just think about it, every time someone doesn't know what they should say then I'm really the one who doesn't know what I should say.


End file.
